How to Survive Divorce

Divorce can be a tricky landmine to navigate without getting blown up, or ruining relationships. It’s even harder when you’re 18. At that age, you’re legally an adult so child custody is out of the question. But when you have a younger sibling involved, you’re just as involved as she/he is. And let me tell ya. Divorce sucks. Especially when the adults in your life act like they’re 2.

But I have rules. And for the most part, they are simple to follow.

Rule #1: Do not keep this to yourself

I’m serious about this!! If you can, see a therapist. I know that my therapist has been my rock in this divorce. I know that I can always go to her when I need someone to listen to me. But if you can’t see a therapist, then have a friend you can turn too. If you can’t talk to your best friend about it, then maybe talk to his/her parent(s) about it. I don’t keep anything from my best friend! Let alone her parents. After all, Elena and I have been friends for almost 10 years so she is like my sister. Which makes her parents, my parents.

You might think that you’re strong enough to deal with this on your own, trust me, I know that I thought I was strong enough. But sweet girl/boy, let me tell you something, you DO NOT have to be strong when your entire world is falling apart. I know that you feel like you do, and I know you feel that way because that’s the way I felt and sometimes still do. But your parents’ divorce is not your fault. They have their own issues and no matter what you think or feel (even though what you feel is valid), THEIR DIVORCE IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND IT NEVER WILL BE YOUR FAULT.

Rule #2: When the fighting starts, leave

If you have your license, you can leave and just get out of here. And I highly recommend you doing that. Parents fight and they can get loud. I’ve learned firsthand that during a divorce, things can get even louder. And once you hear something, you cannot unhear it, no matter how hard you try. So leave. It’s better for you. You don’t have to go far. Maybe a to a neighbors, a park or even a gas station. You just need to get away from all of the yelling and screaming.

If you don’t have your license, alert a friend who can drive. Or maybe their parent. Have a “safe word” to use with them. Shoot them a text when the fighting starts so they know they need to come get you. They’ll help you more than you think they will. But my god. You must be open and honest with them. If you’re close with them, they will think of you as their own child and will do just about anything to help you right now.

Being open and honest with someone who can get you out of a bad situation if it’s needed is extremely helpful. Sometimes it’s good to have more than one person to go to. For me, I have Elena and her family. But I have my neighbor directly across the street from me as well as my neighbor down the street. So, just tell them “Hey, if I show up at your door one night, or ask you to come get me, it’s because my parent are divorcing and they keep fighting and I need to get away.” That’s it. You don’t owe them an explanation as to why they are divorcing. You just need to let them know that sometimes you need a safe place to escape to.

Rule #3: Set rules and boundaries with both of your parents

It can, and will, get very old when both of your parents come to you to complain about the other parent. So, don’t let them. I know, I know. Easier said than done I realize that. Setting boundaries with your parents can be rather difficult, especially if they never set any with you.

Let’s face it. You have a favorite parent, just like they have a favorite child. But when they only talk to you to complain about the other parent, you need to set rules. And tell them “Enough is enough”. Understand that they need someone to talk to, just like you do. But tell them that you still want a relationship with the other parent despite the reason for the divorce. I had to set rules recently with both of my parents, and while it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it was also very rewarding for me. You’re probably asking how it was rewarding. Well. When your dad comes into your room and asks you to help him get your mom back with him, it puts unnecessary stress on the child. I was worrying myself into a migraine, a panic/anxiety attack and into physical sickness. But I told them that they can talk to me about their concerns (such as paying for rent or groceries) as long as it did not cross the boundaries.

Rule #4: Stick to your rules and boundaries

                When things get heated, do not cave! Stand your ground, trust me, parents say things in the heat of the moment. And while it might hurt you (my dad once called me “that girl” in the middle of a fight with my mom and it tore my heart to pieces) or scary (my dad threatened to turn my phone off if I didn’t give it to him and let him read my messages). But I told myself and my mom, that I would not let him snoop through my phone to find things out about either me or my mom.

Setting rules is good for your relationship with your parents, but having rules for yourself can be extremely beneficial. Rules are meant to protect you.

Rules I have for myself:

• Have an outlet (run, dance, journal, watch DIY videos etc.)
• Calm down and breathe before you make any decisions
• Have a sounding board (just have someone to talk to about decisions or choices you want to make. Someone who will not ask you a ton of questions and make you change your mind. Talk to your best friend or therapist for this. Just make sure that the person you talk to understands where you’re coming from.)
• Allow yourself to be broken. I know that it can be quite difficult to let your walls down and cry. But my god, there is nothing more therapeutic than crying.
• Allow “me time” (go to the salon and get your hair done, take a bubble bath. Self-love will go a long way when you’re at your lowest point.

Rule #5: Be honest with YOUR parent(s)

This is without a doubt the hardest thing you will ever go through as a child and/or an adult, so communicate your feelings with either of your parents. They know exactly what you’re feeling more than anyone else because they are going through it too.

Parents are parents but there is something about a divorce that brings you together. But!!!! You still need to have clear and definite boundaries for your sake as much as theirs.